I know it's customary to at this time of year to look back on the past year to see our short comings and to make goals, but am i the only one that finds that more than a little depressing. Yes I know that New Year's resolutions are a grand tradition. They give us motivation and something to aim for, but also a huge sense of failure when we stumble off the plotted course, or find a flaw in what we thought was a perfectly thought out plan. One more reason to beat ourselves up.
I know I have faulted myself many times during the previous year without looking back to see, "Oh I missed that 10 pound mark." So Why devote what is supposed to be a joyous event to berating ourselves. We all know there is room for growth and improvement. That is one of the great things about being human. We have a chance to learn from our mistakes.
Don't get me wrong I'm right up there with the rest of the populace that would love to lose weight to feel better about myself. To set a goal and meet it, but I want something to look forward to. Not something to dread or fight. So I've decided to take a bit of a different direction.
My hope is that it will help me in the battle I already face.
Everyone has those days when you wake up to look up at the ceiling and just want to roll over in bed to go back to sleep. Where our thoughts are so heavy on our mind that they seem like a wheel that would run constantly.
This is my battlefield. Over the course of the last two years I have developed sever social anxiety, depression,and insomnia. Depression is not a big surprise, I've been fighting that for years. The Insomnia and social anxiety are new however.
The combination of the three stems from the loss of my daughter, Aseneth. I suspect partially from the long months of isolation in a hospital room watching her slowly worsen. I know that there is a natural process to grieving. Anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, what have you. You can read books and pray till your knees bleed, but nothing ever truly prepares you for that crushing loss that follows. For that matter the effects it has on you after the numbness wears off.
My mom told me to surround myself with people that cared about me. Let them help me shoulder the burden and talk to them. Which i had no problem talking to my close friends one on one. Even being with my mom, dad and our immediate family, but being in a room with more than a dozen people at a time produced a new experience for me. A need to run an hide. A tightness in my chest, and a spring that as long as I was around these large groups wound tighter with each passing moment until i thought I would break.
This new symptom i had been familiar with only a few times in my life has become a near constant companion, coupled with a loss of sleep that is so severe I nearly wept when I managed to keep my eyes closed for more than two to three hours at a time.
I have talked to doctors, and counselors, but thier solution all involved drugs that often times left me feeling less myself. More a run down, beaten version of the person I used to be. I don't want that. This is where this new set of "Goals" is supposed to come into play.
What are these goals? Well I contemplated a bit of lipo....No, no not really. I don't think i could subject myself to that. though instantly losing a few pounds has done wonders for some, I think that it's better to address the issue that sit a little deeper. Like what i enjoy.
I used to have a very clear sense of what I liked. Music, food clothing. Over the years it kind of got lost until it completely blurred out of focus when Senny passed. I came home after we laid her to rest and turned on my i pod and I was surprised at how much angry and spiteful songs I had on there. Perhaps it was in relation to everything that was happening at the time. or maybe it was something inside of me crying out. So goal number one is to find myself in music. The notes that can transport me from a chaotic day into a place where i can find repose.
Goal number two is to develop some of my true interests. Writing, cooking, being able to draw, and use them as a release. To channel some of the energy from the spring to the medium.
Goal number three is to remember how to relax, enjoy the sunshine, the smell on the morning breeze. Find simple reason to remember that not everything in life is going to turn over on me. This is going to be extremely hard for me because just about everyone who knows me know I beat myself up for every minor flaw, and my negativity tends to leak out to my kids and my husband. Not a healthy thing for a family.
I'm sure that other goals will follow, but for now those three things are the key to maybe helping me heal. Maybe sleep will finally be able to come. Heaven only knows I've been waiting long enough for it.
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