Kar-mon!

Here we are again, February. There is still over a foot Snow on the ground. Going out of doors

Leaves us snow blind, or with a set of chattering teeth. It seems a bit odd to me. The groundhog

has been out and still we're hitting sub zero temperatures.

This wouldn't be an issue if it didn't cause a revolt with various vehicles.

Buses, big rigs and domestic alike. This normally would be something that I could cope with,

but today's circumstance left me wondering if Old man winter has some grand design

to be sure his final breath of the season is well noted.

Recently we made the trade for our family vehicle, the durango, for a dual purpose vehicle.

A 2003 dodge ram pickup. We got a smoking deal on it and were very pleased with it, even though

it was diesel. It did everything our old pickup, and durgano did, but it was only one vehicle

as opposed to two.

"Great karma", My husband says. I should have told him to hold the thought to himself.

It wasn't more than a week after we signed the papers, that the battery on our work

Commute vehicle decided it didn't like the battery, and drained it beyond charging. Though we managed a temporary swap for the time. Long enough for the sting of the smoking deal to come

to come back to haunt us.

I asked Jacob to take the pickup so i could have the Nissan to take Wylliam to Occupational

therapy, cause lets face it, those long beds on an extra cab pickup are pain beastly to turn around in such small parking lots. Which I began to regret, about forty-five minutes after we got to the center.

All finished with his treatment we climbed in the car, and turned over the key....Nothing.

I popped the hood and wiggled the terminal chord to see if it was the connection. Sizzle, pop...Nothing. In the end I was driven to call a friend, whos was most happy to lend a

desperate woman whose grip on calm was easing away.

The plan was to wait for Jacob to come home after work and we would pick the car up then.

Jacob promised it would be a quick simple fix. If only we could have looked a few hours into the future. One ticket quota grubbing officer, a sober(very embarrassing) sobriety test, and a gas run (for the Nissan which had run out of gas just a mile and a half ahead of where i got pulled over) we were finally able to roll into bed and try to forget about our stint of bad luck.

A huge sigh of relief....right? Well today Old man winter decided to to jostle my mind a bit more.

Jacob worked midnights last night, and was so excited because it was one of the last days of his Ice fishing season. He had planed on loading up his prized ice shanty, my dad's Mr buddy portable heater, and a friend from work. Half an hour goes by after he gets home, then 45 minutes. Then we heard the tale tale ring of Jacob's Cell phone. I called it. "he can't go."

Nope he couldn't -HIS- pickup refused to start.

I should have taken this as an omen, but after much pleading, and all-be-it poorly produced fake pouts and tears, I agreed to bundle Caity and myself up to accompany him.

Pickup started fine. It rumbled away in it's bar atone manner while we finished getting all our supplies gathered and in their proper places, then off we went!

The pickup hummed along fine and dandy until we came to the bend in the road head for the

I-15 intersection. Growl, jerk, jerk, putter, putter....Then rolled to a stop just as we were trying to make a turn around.

This is where I preform what is called affectionately by many world of war craft gamers, "Psycho scream". I had no idea why it would run perfect in the drive and then 3 miles down the road just die. I was certain that something major was wrong.

Jacob did his best to way-lay the stress, but i felt that familiar dull roar building up at the sides of my head. I felt i was going to go to pieces as I sat in the passenger side of the pick up ticking off dollar amounts for the towing, fuel additives and various little addages that Mechanics charged for their labor.

Fortunately, Jacob had the good sense to call a family friend, who alluded to gelled fuel and perhaps a plugged fuel filter. Now all we had to do was find away to get us back home.

Enter the good Samaritan.

For all the stress and fretting i neglected to actually listen as he gave his name and gave my trembling hand a warm shake. While his conversation with Caity on the way home seemed to keep him whole heartedly amused, i sat in the back seat thanking the powers that be, that he saw fit to see my Prayers, no matter how rushed and heated they might have been answered.

Now here we are, pick up running, in a warm house enjoying simple comforts. Thanks to Karma.

I wonder if our lot is now reset.

Heily has a Booboo

Teen girls, do you ever wonder at thier ability to develop an unflinching attachment to boys

that they have never met?

For instance Justin Beiber, the blond crooner with a baby face. As well as Robert Pattinson, and

His wolfy competition Taylor Lautner. Girls are swooning over these young fellas.

My thirteen year old daughter, Heily, is no exception. I'm certain that you're aware of her

obsession with the Twilight movies if you read the earlier blog:

Life with a teenager who is in love with vampires. It cites her raging favoritism for the

stars of the shows. I though she had reached the zenith in her climb toward freakishly

insane. That was of course before Eclipse came out, and with it two new members of

One of which is a young, and very cocky boy portrayed by, you'll love this, Booboo Stweart.

From the moment Heily saw him walk on screen she's been taken with him. If you so much as mention his name, the house bursts in to flames around you for the blush.

it amazes me to know end how she can be so caught up with a boy that she has never met and likely never will.

Reso-who-tions?

Here it is. January again. Another year has flown by without really knowing where it went. Amongst all the endless tasks and time just disappeared.

I know it's customary to at this time of year to look back on the past year to see our short comings and to make goals, but am i the only one that finds that more than a little depressing. Yes I know that New Year's resolutions are a grand tradition. They give us motivation and something to aim for, but also a huge sense of failure when we stumble off the plotted course, or find a flaw in what we thought was a perfectly thought out plan. One more reason to beat ourselves up.

I know I have faulted myself many times during the previous year without looking back to see, "Oh I missed that 10 pound mark." So Why devote what is supposed to be a joyous event to berating ourselves. We all know there is room for growth and improvement. That is one of the great things about being human. We have a chance to learn from our mistakes.

Don't get me wrong I'm right up there with the rest of the populace that would love to lose weight to feel better about myself. To set a goal and meet it, but I want something to look forward to. Not something to dread or fight. So I've decided to take a bit of a different direction.

My hope is that it will help me in the battle I already face.

Everyone has those days when you wake up to look up at the ceiling and just want to roll over in bed to go back to sleep. Where our thoughts are so heavy on our mind that they seem like a wheel that would run constantly.

This is my battlefield. Over the course of the last two years I have developed sever social anxiety, depression,and insomnia. Depression is not a big surprise, I've been fighting that for years. The Insomnia and social anxiety are new however.

The combination of the three stems from the loss of my daughter, Aseneth. I suspect partially from the long months of isolation in a hospital room watching her slowly worsen. I know that there is a natural process to grieving. Anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, what have you. You can read books and pray till your knees bleed, but nothing ever truly prepares you for that crushing loss that follows. For that matter the effects it has on you after the numbness wears off.

My mom told me to surround myself with people that cared about me. Let them help me shoulder the burden and talk to them. Which i had no problem talking to my close friends one on one. Even being with my mom, dad and our immediate family, but being in a room with more than a dozen people at a time produced a new experience for me. A need to run an hide. A tightness in my chest, and a spring that as long as I was around these large groups wound tighter with each passing moment until i thought I would break.

This new symptom i had been familiar with only a few times in my life has become a near constant companion, coupled with a loss of sleep that is so severe I nearly wept when I managed to keep my eyes closed for more than two to three hours at a time.

I have talked to doctors, and counselors, but thier solution all involved drugs that often times left me feeling less myself. More a run down, beaten version of the person I used to be. I don't want that. This is where this new set of "Goals" is supposed to come into play.

What are these goals? Well I contemplated a bit of lipo....No, no not really. I don't think i could subject myself to that. though instantly losing a few pounds has done wonders for some, I think that it's better to address the issue that sit a little deeper. Like what i enjoy.

I used to have a very clear sense of what I liked. Music, food clothing. Over the years it kind of got lost until it completely blurred out of focus when Senny passed. I came home after we laid her to rest and turned on my i pod and I was surprised at how much angry and spiteful songs I had on there. Perhaps it was in relation to everything that was happening at the time. or maybe it was something inside of me crying out. So goal number one is to find myself in music. The notes that can transport me from a chaotic day into a place where i can find repose.

Goal number two is to develop some of my true interests. Writing, cooking, being able to draw, and use them as a release. To channel some of the energy from the spring to the medium.

Goal number three is to remember how to relax, enjoy the sunshine, the smell on the morning breeze. Find simple reason to remember that not everything in life is going to turn over on me. This is going to be extremely hard for me because just about everyone who knows me know I beat myself up for every minor flaw, and my negativity tends to leak out to my kids and my husband. Not a healthy thing for a family.

I'm sure that other goals will follow, but for now those three things are the key to maybe helping me heal. Maybe sleep will finally be able to come. Heaven only knows I've been waiting long enough for it.